“Get out of my room.”
“You’re so embarrassing.”
“You just don’t understand.”
“You’re running my life!”
“I hate you.”
If the thought of your son or daughter becoming a teenager fills you with dread, you’re not alone. Research suggests that many parents agree their child’s teenage years are by far the most difficult.
The great divide
''New parents live in dread of the 'Terrible Twos'. But parents of teenagers will tell them that the worst is yet to come,” spokesperson for TheBabyWebsite.com Kathryn Crawford said in The Telegraph.
Back in 2010, TheBabyWebsite.com conducted a survey that included more than 2,000 parents of children over the age of 18 to determine what the toughest point of raising their children was. The consensus was the teenage years.
The reason?
Parents noticed their sons and daughters changed dramatically. They became more moody and sullen, and found it difficult to express themselves, which resulted in strained communication.
But what if there was a way you could prevent this? A strategy you could implement in your child’s earlier years to prevent this communication breakdown or even change the relationship you have with your teen if they have already developed some of these traits.
The power of song
In 1986, American musician Billy Joel in an interview with Rolling Stone said, “I think music in itself is healing”. And he was not wrong. Extensive research has demonstrated the power of music in various realms of health, but how exactly can it ‘heal’ relationships with your children?
For one, music promotes prosocial behaviour.
Take the experiment on a group of 14-month-old infants, for example. During the study, published in Developmental Science in 2014, one group of infants were individually bounced on the knee of an assistant to the beat of a song while the experimenter faced them and synchronised their movements. Another group of infants were put in the same situation, but the experimenter was out of sync with the child’s movements.
Afterwards, each group of tots were given the opportunity to take part in a task with their experimenter. She would ‘drop’ a toy and then have the infant hand it to her. Those who were bounced in sync were far more willing to ‘help’ than those who were out of sync.
According to the researchers, this demonstrated how music might help develop children’s interpersonal motor synchrony. While that may sound like a mouthful, it’s basically a marker of social interaction, cooperation and altruistic behaviour.
But how does this translate into a parent-child relationship through their lifetime? More importantly, how does it help you with your teenager?
Music is an important part of teenage development
As children move into their teens, music may become somewhat of a crutch to them. In a 2012 paper, Michael Schurig and his team from Germany's University of Bremen write that music is highly important during puberty, and that it “appears to fulfil many functions” for children as they go through the changes experienced during these years.
A separate study suggests adolescents use music to associate with similar people. It allows them to form values, a culture, their own behaviours around their chosen music type or types, and in many instances, express their emotions, according to the findings published by the University of Luxembourg in 2014.
And it may be the reason you either fit in or fall out with them.
Schurig and his colleagues report that youngsters who begin choosing their own style of music lose an ‘openness’ for that which they feel is unfamiliar. Play your favourite country song when your teen is into hip-hop and it could mean they – even unconsciously – move to distance themselves from you.
While you do not have to allow your teen to blast their music 24/7, an acceptance and engagement on your part may help your association. A gaze, smile or posture-matching while your teen listens to music can increase their acceptance of your presence, and have positive relational outcomes, suggests a 2018 paper published by the Journal of Family and Communication.
With so much research to corroborate the positive outcomes of relationships between parents and their children with the addition of music, there’s no reason you shouldn’t become a more music-orientated household.
While it is possibly easier to start incorporating music into the family unit when a child is young and to build on that bond as they get older, if those gruelling teenage years are already upon you, there’s still hope.
It’s definitely still worth a try to connect with your distant teen through their favourite music genre; you never know, you may learn a thing or two about yourself at the same time.