I give my husband a hard time about his smartphone use around our toddler. Don’t get me wrong; he’s a great dad – one of the best. But that shiny, electronic little sucker has a knack for hogging his attention at the expense, I feel, of quality time with our son.
Sure, that’s my assessment, but after a recent chat with a male colleague, I found that I wasn’t alone in my predicament ...
“My wife has her camera-phone always at the ready,” he said.
“If our son is laughing, she’s filming it. If he’s rolling in mud, she’s filming it. She never misses anything, except I feel like she misses it all.
“Rather than being present and enjoying the moment, she’s watching it through a screen,” he added.
He did, however, quickly admit to also being at fault: “Rather than being present while my son is bathing, I sit on the loo next to him and scroll through Instagram.”
Now’s probably the time to confess that I’m not an innocent party in this either.
During the first few months after our son’s birth, when I was breastfeeding into the night and wee hours of the morning, Facebook and WhatsApp kept me awake enough to function – not at an award-winning level, but enough to complete a passable nappy change.
So you see, I wouldn’t make a very good anti-smartphone campaigner, but I am in the boat that is questioning the relationships we (particularly parents) are building with these devices.
“More than screen-obsessed young children, we should be concerned about tuned-out parents.”
Those are the words of Erika Christakis, who penned an eloquent, yet alarming piece for The Atlantic on the “dangers of distracted parenting”.
In it, she wrote “we seem to have stumbled into the worst model of parenting imaginable – always present physically, thereby blocking children’s autonomy, yet only fitfully present emotionally” thanks to “the beeps and enticements of smartphones”.
“Distracted adults grow irritable when their phone use is interrupted; they not only miss emotional cues but actually misread them.”
US-based Psychologist Nicole Beurkens is all-too-familiar with the ill effects of parental preoccupation with smartphones, so much so that she has banned them in her clinic’s waiting room.
“My colleagues and I began to notice an increasing trend of parents in our waiting room who were consumed with their phones, and minimally responsive to their children,” she told me.
Alarmingly, Dr Beurkens says that research is starting to show us that kids are exhibiting more problematic behaviours the more their parents are engaging with digital devices.
Distracted parent, disrupted development?
It’s no secret that kids are sponges, but perhaps less obvious is how our tech habits may be shaping these sponges.
“The new parental-interaction style can interrupt an ancient emotional cueing system, whose hallmark is responsive communication, the basis of most human learning,” wrote Christakis.
Indeed, Dr Beurkens explains that “in their early months and years, children learn through the relationships and interactions they have with their parents and other key adults”.
“When these relationships and engagements are disrupted by parental distraction from technology, the child’s opportunity to learn is also disrupted.”
Dr Beurkens’ intention is not to paint a picture of a parent-child relationship in which the parent is forever at the beck and call of the child.
In fact, Christakis pointed out that parents have a long history of juggling: “Parents have always left kids to entertain themselves at times … lounging aimlessly in playpens.”
But she continued: “Occasional parental inattention is not catastrophic (and may even build resilience), but chronic distraction is another story.”
As Dr Beurkens puts it: “Children are better off having clear times when parents are unavailable to them, and then times when parents are fully present.”
Geeze, do parents ever get a break!?
Community Psychologist Lyn O’Grady says it’s important not to “demonise” parental smartphone use, particularly when the digital age is still relatively fresh.
“Adults are still learning to navigate this space … There’s a lot we’re still making sense of,” says Dr O’Grady, Manager of Strategic Development at the Australian Psychological Society.
When I asked her whether she thought parental preoccupation with smartphones was indeed “the worst model of parenting imaginable” as Christakis put it, Dr O’Grady replied: “We’ve got to be careful not to idealise the old days.”
“Parents in the past haven’t necessarily been aware of emotional connections with children or physically present … We don’t want to undermine how far we’ve come.”
She also says that smartphones can serve a positive purpose.
“We want parents to be informed [and] connected. Parents are people and need to have some entertainment and need to take care of themselves and relax.”
The reality is that smartphones are very much a part of our lives today, integral to most social and occupational settings.
So how do we strike up a healthy balance between smartphone use and honest parental engagement?
Finding that sweet spot
Both Dr Beurkens and Dr O’Grady agree that parents’ awareness of their own smartphone use is the key.
Dr Beurkens adds: “Parents should strive to ensure that at least some of their daily interactions and time spent with their children are device-free. Simple and essential starting points include meals, daily routines such as bath time or bedtime, and anytime they are talking at length with their child about something.”
“Even one period of quality interaction with a child without ‘technoference’ is better than none,” she says.
As for my husband, I questioned him the other day for using his smartphone while supervising our son’s bath time. He said our little one was happy playing and that he was planning some device-free story time afterwards.
Sounds fair to me.